Bitter-Sweet Feelings

 

As a precaution, this post may be very emo k dear readers, so better be prepared yea.. If you guys can’t stand/hate emo stuff, better closed this window..

Haih.. Where shall I start ? Let’s see.. I’m having mix+complicated feelings now T.T

Why not start with the sweet planning first ya ? Taste the bitter end later..

Erm.. This is really not as easy as I thought it would be.. Seriously, I’m tearing as I’m typing.. Haih.. My Singapore trip with hubby dear, jie and jie’s bf that I’ve been planning+anticipated for 2months long with my dear jie is officially OFF ! Yep, OFF ! There’s still other plans <such as my advanced bday celebration> that I’ve arranged with hubby dear for his 3 weeks sem break.. But, I guess all of em are going down the drain, too.. We really wanna spend some quality time in each other’s company as we can’t always be together >.< FIY, he’s studying in Terengganu and I, in UKM which is located at Bangi.. So, we’re miles and miles apart, you see.. 

Well, the plans are OFF so last minute cuz hubby dear’s mummy is still weak from the major spinal operation she had couple of days ago and needs people to take care of her.. This is all so SUDDEN.. I thought it was a sudden operation, turns out hubby dear knows about it dy but was not clear about the date cuz he did not ask.. The trip was planned to start this Sunday, just 2 days away, you know, so how am I gonna act as if nothing happened ???

Of course I’m disappointed, to the max, ok.. I know, I’m so selfish right ? FML ! But, if only he asked, if only he told me earlier about this scheduled operation, this would never have happened.. I’m not unhappy that I can’t go to Singapore, ok, I’m not happy either, I would be lying if I said I feel ok, right ? No, I will not lie in my own blog.. But, I felt like been slapped after taking something that’s been offered to me.. Understand what I meant ? Easier said, fake hope.. Yea.. I feel so devastated that I’m feeling this way.. I do care about his mummy, in my own way.. I wanna visit her, be by hubby dear’s side to help him take care of his mummy, more the way to give him the support he needed right now.. But, no.. He pushed me away without considering my feelings.. He said he don’t wanna let OTHER PEOPLE visit his mummy in the condition she is in now.. So, now I’m OTHER PEOPLE.. I’m nothing but some freaking OTHER PEOPLE !!! So, what the hell am I to him ??

Oh, what the hell.. Why is all this happening to me ??? Damn, I sound like a spoilt missy and I’ve always hated people like this…Honestly, I don’t feel half sad that all out plans are OFF, I’m more disappointed in the way he treats me, the way he pushes me away when I offered to be there for him, the way he sounded angry when talking to me cuz he thinks I don’t understand his situation.. I know hubby dear’s feeling very terrible right now, but why can’t he let me face it with him ? I’m his gf for almost 4 years dy for goodness sake ! I wanna share our good and bad times together, if not, what’s the use of having your other half ?? Or maybe he just doesn’t need me the way I needed him.. Maybe he thinks I’m incapable of helping him ease his pain.. He had always kept his feelings on a tight leash, you know ? But he does pour them out to his bestfriend, Jing Tzer..  Maybe Jing Tzer is really more important to him, I’ve always speculated that, to him, friends meant more.. Maybe... Just maybe… I’m right after all………………………………………………………………………….